I'm glad I'm no longer an elite student
So hey, sorry for abandoning my blog for months while I said that I would try to blog as much as I could, I've been pretty busy (no I'm not, well, not really). With that said, I didn't have much of an idea to write about anyway, I guess you guys don't really want one of those "updates of my life" anymore right? Even I feel bored myself from those post. *sigh*
Anyway, so why I suddenly decided to write about this topic is because I feel inspired after reading a Harvard student's blog post about his adjustment to an all elite society (in short, I stole this idea from him). Lol.
So my emo-buddy who happens to be studying in the U.K. now is having a rather familiar dilemma that I had a year or two back. As an elite student back at when we were growing up and later throw into a society where everyone is an "elite" to only find out how ordinary, how average (or in my case, below average) you suddenly are. Then the identity crisis sets in, you start to question you ability and even question who you are and what is your worth anymore now that you are no longer the "A" producer. *smirk at my own joke*
And it happens more than I expect. Of course as a mid/late 90s baby, there would be early 90s babies telling us that result isn't everything, don't let your self worth be defined by your result etc.. So by logic we know this. It has been hammered into our head more than you imagined (when you hear it from most graduation speech by, guess who? The best student in the school). The thing is that, you never really knew you HAD somewhat equate your self worth with your academic achievement until life throws you into a situation where it crushes your ego together with your identity. Because we consciously keep telling ourselves our result are nothing, but we can't separate the pride of being identified as the "smart" ones from people around us.
I had been conditioned to believe that I am smart (still think so) all my life. It has to do with being the youngest child, you're just so excited to share every piece of interesting knowledge you ended up remembering most. Okay, I've swayed from my topic.
So I was what? Getting top 5 in class usually? Yea, about that, so even when during SPM I get side tracked by all the excitement of classmates and all the things you could do after graduation (but ended up too lazy to do any of them anyway), my result wasn't what people would call good, but I always felt that it was because I never concentrate and do my best. Eventually I got 6As and 3Bs for my SPM, wasn't very good but I felt, meh, I am still smart, I can still get really good result if I wanted to.
So I made the cockiest decision, I entered form 6. *gasp!* (Haha, just kidding, it was tough but I didn't regret it at all)
Form 6 was where hell break loose. I was struggling real bad. Maths is a bunch of logic that has no logic to me whatsoever. Then they told us the Chemistry that we learn in form 5 was not correct and taught us what seem like a whole new subject. Biology.... was alright, it's just that I have no idea why I couldn't score for it like I used to.
For the first time in my life, I am getting Fs on my report card! Imagine how traumatized I am, from someone who's been getting A after A to failing so many subjects! It was rough man.
I started doubting, can I even survive form 6? I stick through it because my lovely chemistry teacher told my mom that she sees talent in me ( hmm, maybe that's why I developed interest in Chemistry later on). But the battle just started.
I was desperate. I really focused and tried to do a lot of maths questions by myself (because Maths was my worst subject), but I couldn't, I just don't understand a thing. I even broke down on each question that I couldn't solve.
I was always in fear. What if I couldn't get it all together in time? What if I fail my STPM? My parents were constantly telling me to quit form 6. I know it's hard on them too, knowing their "smart" daughter flunking at school. At some point, I stop talking about school to anyone all together. Whenever I talked about it, I felt this sinking, awful feeling in my chest.
How I noticed it was a problem was when I got addicted to Candy Crush as an escape from thinking about all these stress and school work that I need to catch up on. I know logically I should stop playing it, but the moment I think about school work I just want to play the game and I would get this relief from having to focus on the game and not on the stress.
Eventually I got called to the school counselor together with my classmates who got CGPA less than 2.0 (I got 1.9, it was so close, but I guess it was fate), and we were to give reasons why we failed our trials. I broke down and went into a hysterical cry before it was my turn to talk! (hahaha it was pretty funny, but not funny back then) So much that I couldn't talk. Eventually the others left except for one friend who stayed to cry too (LOL), and I confessed that that I'm addicted to Candy Crush and I do it as an escape from all the stress. The counselor told me that I'm stressed, as in as diagnostic la, not like stating the obvious (I later noticed a poster in the school stating the symptoms of stress and I got all of them, damn~). Anyway, back to the story. The cure was surprisingly simple. She just told me, just stop doing it all together. The way she said it was like, there's no negotiation, just do. So I promised her, and I stopped that day.
The work that I put off was overwhelming, but following my counselor's advice, I do it little by little instead of seeing it as a one big, overwhelming pile. It does the trick though. I hung in there.
And of course, bad grades aren't the only thing that was making me unhappy. I had problems with friends, I was having social anxiety (and sometimes anxiety attacks too) and thought that everyone hated me. My crush likes my bestfriend and I still stubbornly tried to get him. I was having low self esteem because I was this chubby girl in a class full of pretty girls of all size and shape. I was depressed and kept everything to myself (which if you ask any of my friend you will know, I tell everyone something about me, I have no secret that nobody knows).
The last thing on my mind what has contribute to depression and identity crisis was that I had based my self worth with my academic achievements. This seems like such a small issue compared to all the other things I listed above, but it was the key to unclog my entire system to move on from that depression. Simply because I consciously told myself that I HAD NOT based my self worth on my results.
Let me tell you why it matters.
Because. As I've told you, I had been THAT student whereby everyone admires and come to whenever they have questions. I had that reassurance of my existence brings some kind of purpose or relief to people around me. I had believed that people like me because I'm smart, that my quick thinking is the reason people trust me. With my results to show, my voice and opinions are credible.
The simple idea of "elite" has so much influence on my old identity. It has given me a simple route to so much things that I take for granted.
I'm glad I went into form 6 and had STPM completely wrecked my ego. I was given the chance to completely rebuild my self identity and it has made me a better person by focusing what is important and what is disposable. Ego, expectations, they are disposable. Passion, love, humbleness, growth, hold on to those things that you value. Because when those are the things that drives you forward, it trains you to see the goal and not to count the efforts, that's when you will get demotivated.
Okay, that was a little sentimental and abstract than I intended for this post. Anyway, not that I no longer value prestigious-ness or the glory of "elite", I do, because I know that's the way the world works, you'll need those if you wanted people to hear you out. But having my perception completely changed, I feel my result now holds no reflection of who I am inside.
I mean, I should be proud right? Although not the best public uni, but I am still in the National University of Malaysia isn't it? I still got first class for my first semester right? But honestly, when your vision is restricted to yourself as a student, it's easy to be satisfied. The thing is that, we will grow out of it, one day we will be working, where your degree with honours pays the same as the one who passed, or the boss don't care if you are from graduate from Malaysia or Royal College of London, as long as you can contribute. And for now, that little wording telling me that I got first class isn't going to make me satisfied, because I don't feel adequate, there's still so much more that I need to learn about, need to experience.
And I honestly think, out of 10 so call "elite" students feel that they are good enough for anything, most would think so. Keep your glass empty mate.
Anyway, so why I suddenly decided to write about this topic is because I feel inspired after reading a Harvard student's blog post about his adjustment to an all elite society (in short, I stole this idea from him). Lol.
So my emo-buddy who happens to be studying in the U.K. now is having a rather familiar dilemma that I had a year or two back. As an elite student back at when we were growing up and later throw into a society where everyone is an "elite" to only find out how ordinary, how average (or in my case, below average) you suddenly are. Then the identity crisis sets in, you start to question you ability and even question who you are and what is your worth anymore now that you are no longer the "A" producer. *smirk at my own joke*
And it happens more than I expect. Of course as a mid/late 90s baby, there would be early 90s babies telling us that result isn't everything, don't let your self worth be defined by your result etc.. So by logic we know this. It has been hammered into our head more than you imagined (when you hear it from most graduation speech by, guess who? The best student in the school). The thing is that, you never really knew you HAD somewhat equate your self worth with your academic achievement until life throws you into a situation where it crushes your ego together with your identity. Because we consciously keep telling ourselves our result are nothing, but we can't separate the pride of being identified as the "smart" ones from people around us.
I had been conditioned to believe that I am smart (still think so) all my life. It has to do with being the youngest child, you're just so excited to share every piece of interesting knowledge you ended up remembering most. Okay, I've swayed from my topic.
So I was what? Getting top 5 in class usually? Yea, about that, so even when during SPM I get side tracked by all the excitement of classmates and all the things you could do after graduation (but ended up too lazy to do any of them anyway), my result wasn't what people would call good, but I always felt that it was because I never concentrate and do my best. Eventually I got 6As and 3Bs for my SPM, wasn't very good but I felt, meh, I am still smart, I can still get really good result if I wanted to.
So I made the cockiest decision, I entered form 6. *gasp!* (Haha, just kidding, it was tough but I didn't regret it at all)
Form 6 was where hell break loose. I was struggling real bad. Maths is a bunch of logic that has no logic to me whatsoever. Then they told us the Chemistry that we learn in form 5 was not correct and taught us what seem like a whole new subject. Biology.... was alright, it's just that I have no idea why I couldn't score for it like I used to.
For the first time in my life, I am getting Fs on my report card! Imagine how traumatized I am, from someone who's been getting A after A to failing so many subjects! It was rough man.
I started doubting, can I even survive form 6? I stick through it because my lovely chemistry teacher told my mom that she sees talent in me ( hmm, maybe that's why I developed interest in Chemistry later on). But the battle just started.
I was desperate. I really focused and tried to do a lot of maths questions by myself (because Maths was my worst subject), but I couldn't, I just don't understand a thing. I even broke down on each question that I couldn't solve.
I was always in fear. What if I couldn't get it all together in time? What if I fail my STPM? My parents were constantly telling me to quit form 6. I know it's hard on them too, knowing their "smart" daughter flunking at school. At some point, I stop talking about school to anyone all together. Whenever I talked about it, I felt this sinking, awful feeling in my chest.
How I noticed it was a problem was when I got addicted to Candy Crush as an escape from thinking about all these stress and school work that I need to catch up on. I know logically I should stop playing it, but the moment I think about school work I just want to play the game and I would get this relief from having to focus on the game and not on the stress.
Eventually I got called to the school counselor together with my classmates who got CGPA less than 2.0 (I got 1.9, it was so close, but I guess it was fate), and we were to give reasons why we failed our trials. I broke down and went into a hysterical cry before it was my turn to talk! (hahaha it was pretty funny, but not funny back then) So much that I couldn't talk. Eventually the others left except for one friend who stayed to cry too (LOL), and I confessed that that I'm addicted to Candy Crush and I do it as an escape from all the stress. The counselor told me that I'm stressed, as in as diagnostic la, not like stating the obvious (I later noticed a poster in the school stating the symptoms of stress and I got all of them, damn~). Anyway, back to the story. The cure was surprisingly simple. She just told me, just stop doing it all together. The way she said it was like, there's no negotiation, just do. So I promised her, and I stopped that day.
The work that I put off was overwhelming, but following my counselor's advice, I do it little by little instead of seeing it as a one big, overwhelming pile. It does the trick though. I hung in there.
And of course, bad grades aren't the only thing that was making me unhappy. I had problems with friends, I was having social anxiety (and sometimes anxiety attacks too) and thought that everyone hated me. My crush likes my bestfriend and I still stubbornly tried to get him. I was having low self esteem because I was this chubby girl in a class full of pretty girls of all size and shape. I was depressed and kept everything to myself (which if you ask any of my friend you will know, I tell everyone something about me, I have no secret that nobody knows).
The last thing on my mind what has contribute to depression and identity crisis was that I had based my self worth with my academic achievements. This seems like such a small issue compared to all the other things I listed above, but it was the key to unclog my entire system to move on from that depression. Simply because I consciously told myself that I HAD NOT based my self worth on my results.
Let me tell you why it matters.
Because. As I've told you, I had been THAT student whereby everyone admires and come to whenever they have questions. I had that reassurance of my existence brings some kind of purpose or relief to people around me. I had believed that people like me because I'm smart, that my quick thinking is the reason people trust me. With my results to show, my voice and opinions are credible.
The simple idea of "elite" has so much influence on my old identity. It has given me a simple route to so much things that I take for granted.
I'm glad I went into form 6 and had STPM completely wrecked my ego. I was given the chance to completely rebuild my self identity and it has made me a better person by focusing what is important and what is disposable. Ego, expectations, they are disposable. Passion, love, humbleness, growth, hold on to those things that you value. Because when those are the things that drives you forward, it trains you to see the goal and not to count the efforts, that's when you will get demotivated.
Okay, that was a little sentimental and abstract than I intended for this post. Anyway, not that I no longer value prestigious-ness or the glory of "elite", I do, because I know that's the way the world works, you'll need those if you wanted people to hear you out. But having my perception completely changed, I feel my result now holds no reflection of who I am inside.
I mean, I should be proud right? Although not the best public uni, but I am still in the National University of Malaysia isn't it? I still got first class for my first semester right? But honestly, when your vision is restricted to yourself as a student, it's easy to be satisfied. The thing is that, we will grow out of it, one day we will be working, where your degree with honours pays the same as the one who passed, or the boss don't care if you are from graduate from Malaysia or Royal College of London, as long as you can contribute. And for now, that little wording telling me that I got first class isn't going to make me satisfied, because I don't feel adequate, there's still so much more that I need to learn about, need to experience.
And I honestly think, out of 10 so call "elite" students feel that they are good enough for anything, most would think so. Keep your glass empty mate.
Comments