It's so hard to forgive someone who never seemed sorry
As my semester starts, my roommate told me that she had gotten into another argument with my best friend, Cheryl. They had been like this since the beginning. Cheryl has somewhat a close frequency with me, so we communicate fairly well, but even then, she can be really difficult and rather bitchy when she is arguing. Nobody can get through her when she is in that mode. After encountering that for two times, I realised her pattern and accepted that as the worst part of her. While being alike Cheryl in thinking and personality, both of us really didn't get along with my roommate in the beginning. My roommate, V lack the art of communication and is really defensive as she has trust issues. She tends to think of the worst of people and interpret people's action as pretentious and hypocritical, then claims to not judge people, which the cheerful, positive Cheryl "made" a bad impression. She doesn't really know how to mend things after an argument and would always say that she had let things go when she never really forgives and forget.
In our first year, Cheryl and I would get into argument with V over her working pattern where she think that her way is correct and refuse to see the ways of others, mainly the way she communicates because she doesn't think it is necessary to spell it out that you have heard and understand another person's point. That leads to us feeling that she doesn't listen, which she denies. It is even more difficult when she had this wall up against us, anything you say about her attitude becomes a personal attack to her. Cheryl and I instinctively knows the need to indicate that you understand and made another party felt listened to, which V doesn't.
As arguments got more heated, feelings are hurt. We knew that validating people's feelings are hurt are a necessary process of mending relationship after an argument, but V had never really learnt how to do all these. Her wall instinctively told her that she doesn't care, that she can deal with this as logically as possible, that is why she felt there is no need to mention that she knows and she felt sorry for hurting another person. Cheryl would always say out that something hurts her, which V doesn't feel it's necessary to repeat the point, because she take it a factual stand. Being emotional and hurt, Cheryl goes into her difficult mode, where she throw punches where she knew hurt the most. For V, it was that she never change. V's wall grew taller and thus refuse to dance along, making all these worse.
That was two years ago.
Meanwhile I got along with the both of them. I accepted Cheryl's bad side and allow her to be her. I also learn to look at my roommate's good bits and learn to avoid the things that makes us argue and not to hurt her even more. I was hurt too, but I know I have moments when I too was difficult and wish that people would accept that part of me too, hence I did for them what I needed in return, acceptance. I guess all these are easier when you weren't the one so deeply hurt, and when you chose compassion before it hit your vulnerability. Because two years later, they were still stuck at the same spot, arguing over the same thing, having history happen again.
All these brought me back to think about people that I couldn't forgive myself.
Since I gotten out of my depression, I always try to incorporate compassion into how I think and treat others, because that was what I needed then. I still feel so hurt when I think about my form 6 days, where I was left out from the very crowd that made me feel so wrong and unwelcomed, watching them happily having gatherings that they never once even let me know. All these signs of unwelcoming dates back to the schooling days. I never knew what I did wrong to deserve feeling like this. They were popular, the crowd forms around them, which is up to them to pick and choose who gets in there. All my friends were included in their list, but since they were never outright mean or isolating me, nobody trust me when I said I am not welcomed and included. Yesterday, they had yet another gathering that I didn't know of, and people I considered friends were invited and happily taking photos as well. I felt betrayed and left out. I was the one badly hurt, don't I deserve some making up?
That aside, there was a group of friends which I now withdraw from. They were my closest friend in form 6 then, a group of four. I had been having depression for several months before I could muster up enough courage and sense to confine to them. It was one of the hardest thing to say in my life, I was so vulnerable and scared to be rejected and one wrong word could set me off to the wrong end. They listened, but they told me, "no lah, they don't think of you like this, don't be too sensitive." It was the moment where I was invalidated by the people I trust to show my most vulnerable that I felt something inside snapped. In that moment, I switched off all feelings, to everything.
I wiped my tears off and smile. "Don't worry, I'm okay, I'll be alright," I said. Months later, I forgot how to feel emotions. Imagine nothing is humorous anymore, perhaps just enough to make you smile a little; or people telling you sad, heartbreaking story and you felt absolutely nothing; or talking to your friends and joking only to have all feelings stop the moment you stop talking. The only feeling that was ever left was a constant, humming numbness, making you feeling tired and unable to process anything in your brain; anxiety and panic attacks; and also anger, that you don't know where all these is coming from and you can only blame yourself for being weak. People thought it was constantly emo, but it's not. Until you have lost your sense to feel emotions, you don't know how scaring knowing is.
I wondered what would us still be like if they had said "how long have you been feeling like this? Why haven't you told me this earlier? I will be here with you." instead. Perhaps I wouldn't still be haunted like this. I tried to take this with compassion, that I know that they meant well, to console me, and they didn't know how far at the end I was at. I was even at wrong with one of them back then, when I was too angry that my issue wasn't taken seriously enough but her break up was. I'm pretty sure, right until now, this moment, they didn't know what all this had done to me. But it is still far too hard to forgive, when it still hurts so badly.
In our first year, Cheryl and I would get into argument with V over her working pattern where she think that her way is correct and refuse to see the ways of others, mainly the way she communicates because she doesn't think it is necessary to spell it out that you have heard and understand another person's point. That leads to us feeling that she doesn't listen, which she denies. It is even more difficult when she had this wall up against us, anything you say about her attitude becomes a personal attack to her. Cheryl and I instinctively knows the need to indicate that you understand and made another party felt listened to, which V doesn't.
As arguments got more heated, feelings are hurt. We knew that validating people's feelings are hurt are a necessary process of mending relationship after an argument, but V had never really learnt how to do all these. Her wall instinctively told her that she doesn't care, that she can deal with this as logically as possible, that is why she felt there is no need to mention that she knows and she felt sorry for hurting another person. Cheryl would always say out that something hurts her, which V doesn't feel it's necessary to repeat the point, because she take it a factual stand. Being emotional and hurt, Cheryl goes into her difficult mode, where she throw punches where she knew hurt the most. For V, it was that she never change. V's wall grew taller and thus refuse to dance along, making all these worse.
That was two years ago.
Meanwhile I got along with the both of them. I accepted Cheryl's bad side and allow her to be her. I also learn to look at my roommate's good bits and learn to avoid the things that makes us argue and not to hurt her even more. I was hurt too, but I know I have moments when I too was difficult and wish that people would accept that part of me too, hence I did for them what I needed in return, acceptance. I guess all these are easier when you weren't the one so deeply hurt, and when you chose compassion before it hit your vulnerability. Because two years later, they were still stuck at the same spot, arguing over the same thing, having history happen again.
All these brought me back to think about people that I couldn't forgive myself.
Since I gotten out of my depression, I always try to incorporate compassion into how I think and treat others, because that was what I needed then. I still feel so hurt when I think about my form 6 days, where I was left out from the very crowd that made me feel so wrong and unwelcomed, watching them happily having gatherings that they never once even let me know. All these signs of unwelcoming dates back to the schooling days. I never knew what I did wrong to deserve feeling like this. They were popular, the crowd forms around them, which is up to them to pick and choose who gets in there. All my friends were included in their list, but since they were never outright mean or isolating me, nobody trust me when I said I am not welcomed and included. Yesterday, they had yet another gathering that I didn't know of, and people I considered friends were invited and happily taking photos as well. I felt betrayed and left out. I was the one badly hurt, don't I deserve some making up?
That aside, there was a group of friends which I now withdraw from. They were my closest friend in form 6 then, a group of four. I had been having depression for several months before I could muster up enough courage and sense to confine to them. It was one of the hardest thing to say in my life, I was so vulnerable and scared to be rejected and one wrong word could set me off to the wrong end. They listened, but they told me, "no lah, they don't think of you like this, don't be too sensitive." It was the moment where I was invalidated by the people I trust to show my most vulnerable that I felt something inside snapped. In that moment, I switched off all feelings, to everything.
I wiped my tears off and smile. "Don't worry, I'm okay, I'll be alright," I said. Months later, I forgot how to feel emotions. Imagine nothing is humorous anymore, perhaps just enough to make you smile a little; or people telling you sad, heartbreaking story and you felt absolutely nothing; or talking to your friends and joking only to have all feelings stop the moment you stop talking. The only feeling that was ever left was a constant, humming numbness, making you feeling tired and unable to process anything in your brain; anxiety and panic attacks; and also anger, that you don't know where all these is coming from and you can only blame yourself for being weak. People thought it was constantly emo, but it's not. Until you have lost your sense to feel emotions, you don't know how scaring knowing is.
I wondered what would us still be like if they had said "how long have you been feeling like this? Why haven't you told me this earlier? I will be here with you." instead. Perhaps I wouldn't still be haunted like this. I tried to take this with compassion, that I know that they meant well, to console me, and they didn't know how far at the end I was at. I was even at wrong with one of them back then, when I was too angry that my issue wasn't taken seriously enough but her break up was. I'm pretty sure, right until now, this moment, they didn't know what all this had done to me. But it is still far too hard to forgive, when it still hurts so badly.
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