When life forces you to stop and feel

I felt like a lot has happened since my last post. Remind me not to drag on so long that I get a little overwhelmed with how to write a blog. It's the Covid-19 pandamic now. We are in the middle of our 3rd week of Movement Control Order. I'm actually coping really well with it, in fact I feel like I am thriving with this distance from people and merely connection through text and calls. That's my usual mode of communication anyway, and now that everyone is forced to use this method of communication, nobody is trying to keep the conversation short, which means yay for me! But sadly it's coming to an end soon. I know this MCO is creating a lot of trouble for a lot of less privilege people, but I really do feel happier and safer if it extends for another 2 weeks.

Anyway, remember my last post when I was very much having an existential crisis? I was actually making pretty good progress with it. For one, I don't feel so miserable anymore, 75% of the time I am happy. So why did I ended up having that existential crisis. Firstly, work wise. I felt trapped because I have the fear that I need that financial security because there's so many things that require money in the future, and I couldn't see myself getting another job as well. Plus I like some of the people at my work place and I wanted to believe that my bosses do care about me. But later I realized that, a) I'm not at all desperate in my financial status, and b) I could actually get other jobs as a trainer or a coach and get better pay than here. So monetary wise settled. Then how about my loyalty to my company, bosses and colleagues? 

Well something happened in between this time too. While I was struggling and feeling so miserable, I made a few minor, small mistakes at work. But I got reprimanded in a way that is a little out of proportion to the severity of my mistakes. And also I got called out in a meeting in front of the whole office. I went and apologize and told them I'm in a bad state mentally. They said I need to tell them, but I realized that they don't actually want to know it or know you as a person, they just want to know how bad so that they can manage and advice you accordingly. This is not why I was loyal to them. Up till that part, I believed that they cared for me as a person of my own.

They expect me to keep giving more and more when I am giving my best that I can at all times. When I'm doing good, there's actually little credit that was given, other than a public thank you that seem to do the job in their eyes. But when I made a small mistake, it got blown out of proportion and I suffered for it for a month even though the other party has responsibility in it too. Then reprimand me in front of office. I don't believe that is caring for me anymore. Then I realized the reason why I felt so miserable in this environment even thought I love the people and I thought I'm in a good company is because there were so many small things that isn't consistent with what they said. However nice a family culture sounds like and in fact is, when you are not consistent and living what you said, it is just a tool of manipulation and ways to gaslight people into being loyal to you. 

Too often I've been told that I need to change the way that I speak, or they way that I act. I suffered mentally because I was trying to please people left and right when this place doesn't allow me to be who I am. And god knows how well I would have performed if I didn't spend my mental energy trying to fit into an endless hole of submission. Mentally I am ready to stand up for myself. And I feel so much better within just a week. Not taking blame that is other person's responsibility. So I guess its good that it helped me move pass my quarter life crisis.

So during this MCO I also worked on myself a lot. Figuring out how I am so heavily attached to getting a relationship, seeking for external validation, discovering my own attachment style, trauma healing, learning how to accept my own quirks and be happy with myself. I've come a long way and I am proud of myself. I'm still a work in progress, so I'm thankful that you are reading my journey and accepting me as I am.