Turning 25

I'm turning 25 in two days time. I reflect on what's been going on for the past few years. To think of it, I think my form 6 life really changed me. I became someone who is chasing an ideal because I was afraid of how everyone think of me and how everyone would leave me if I wasn't ideal. I don't really remember how I was like before I was 18. This chase has been a constant cause of mental breakdowns. 

I mean, I have always been this ambitious. I've always wanted to do better and better, it's fun for me, it makes me happy. I had bad, heavy, emotional stuff before I was 18 too. Being rejected, failing my own expectations to be a good leader, having friends telling me that I'm too bossy, feeling lonely because my personality was too "passionate" and sometimes without me realizing I make people feel upset. But I fundamentally always had this high self esteem. Despite being rejected by guys and stuck in the bro-zone in secondary school, somehow I've always believed that I am cute and people are just too blind to see it. I wasn't the best at Wudo but I deeply believed that I am good at it. I struggled to understand physics and chemistry at first, but I never once thought that I was stupid. I believe I am fundamentally worthy of love. 

But something changed somewhere, I can't even pinpoint it. Gradually I just stop feeling worthy. 

I lost my identity. I was no longer good at study, in fact failing. People in my class don't like me. I wasn't that good at volleyball. In form 6, there's where I fundamentally lost unshaken self esteem. It's where I started believing, I'm not as cute or pretty as I thought and I'm surrounded by all the other girls who catches not only guys' eyes but also how soft they were, their personality catches people's heart. It's where I believed that I'm not good at science as I thought and I'm not capable of computing all those difficult equations and concepts in my head anymore, I'm sluggish and incompetent. I don't fit in with my volleyball team, even though I love it, but I would constantly want to prove myself so hard that I feel like a show and I get myself hurt and I would try to tough it out and look like a pile of drama. No wonder people don't come to me anymore, I'm an awkward try hard that used to be so proud but end up a disappointing mess. I think I've just adapted to be constantly trying to redeem myself when nobody actually thinks that, it's all just happening in my head. And now it's still cost me things that I value. 

From form 6 onwards, I'm in a constant chase for self improvement. I hyper-analyse anyone and anything. I break apart people that people admire to find out what was it that make them attract people's adoration. I break apart myself to find out what is wrong with me and they need to be fixed like broken parts of a machine. I'm constantly looking for cues from people if I'm likable or not. I became super sensitive with every little expression, look of disapproval (biasly filtering out all positive feedbacks) to even energy. I look for more and more external validation. I felt that if I keep fixing myself, one day I would feel enough. Pretty enough, smart enough, worthy enough for people to adore and love me. Sounds pretty unhealthy isn't it? But I think many of us are like that without us realizing it. 

Fast forward to 24 going to be 25 year old me, I noticed how these habits have shaped me. I find anxiety tendency in myself because I have learnt to survive by being highly attuned to people, my radar is on high alert 24/7. I constantly analyse and judge people, therefore I constantly analyse and judge myself too. I never felt enough in many ways because I keep searching that sense of enough from someone. And it's not who I wanted to be. 

I want to be grounded, calm and stable before anyone and anything because I deeply just believed that I am pretty, cute, smart, funny, talented, worthy of love. I wanted that sense of calmness that comes from an empty mind without all the rules and should be and noise and self doubt and bad memories and fears. I want to be passionate and strong and love without fear and unwavering loyalty to people and things that I care about. I want to be that compassionate voice inside out. I want to feel like a quiet lake instead of a raging storm. I want that unwavering self esteem once had. 

So this birthday, I want to leave that anxiety, pain and fear behind. Happy birthday, may an unwavering self esteem be born of this chaos.