The Period of 'Tough Pills To Swallow'

I've gotten a new job as a trainer in a well-established funeral company. After much contemplation, I don't feel like I'm ready financially or mentally to start a business just yet. I decided to take the offer of said company since the stability of fixed salary, time bought to gain more confidence and relief from my anxiety is what I need now. With the current state of the country, I don't think I have any more energy to deal with additional stress. That's tough pill #1, I am not yet as resilient as I wish I am. 

I'm trying to swallow tough pill #2, which is I need to learn to work with people/ cultures that I don't like. Since my first job, my resistance to be micromanaged and dismissed quadrupled. I am rebellious of being talked down to, being in unfair situations; and I've become really sensitive about it too. I don't like when people talk diplomatically and passes toxic corporate habits as acceptable "advice" & "positive mindset". I'd rather people be sincere to me because I can't trust to be sincere with you if you are not sincere with me. To be very honest, I don't like a lot of the training styles and beliefs of my fellow trainers and I'm not interested in many of the very Chinese culture of the company's product and sales methods. However, I know that I can't work + learn anything and I won't get anywhere if I'm continue to be on my high chair of "I'm better than everyone else". 

As much as I hate admitting my ego, tough pill #3 is that I do think of myself as better and judges everyone. After my therapy on the damage my first job got me, I've become really protective over myself. I am afraid that all the things that were said to me back then to be true, so my way of coping is to reject all of it. I built this wall of defense that not only that they misunderstood me, but it's all their fault; they are wrong with their ways, their toxic culture, that they abused me and sacrifice me to keep the ones who are at fault. I defend myself by telling myself that I am so much better that they could not comprehend it, they are below me. I've become so repulsed with the idea of ever working with someone like that that I couldn't stand working with people anymore. I am trying, but I believe that the only way I can be happy is by starting up my own company. I bring my baggage along where I go. I went into my previous job with so much defensiveness, because there was someone who reminds me of all my trauma there. To be honest, I did ended up enjoying work over there, but I just don't know how to deal with working with people anymore. 

In this job that I'm working now, I am constantly getting triggered with trainers who go for that forceful positivity mentality, I feel so intimidated when I saw one trainer who is super charismatic and humorous. I often wonder where would I be now if I wasn't damaged like this. That's tough pill #4 for me, we WILL walk around with our wounds until we tend to it properly and let it heal. I wish too that I wasn't damaged that I had to deal with this on top of trying to navigate adulthood, that I didn't need to spend so much money on 1.5 years of therapy, fear of working, fear of people, fear of my own capabilities, I felt like it took so much away from me. I know the saying of lessons comes from things that happened, just that I'm not sure if I felt it's worth it. It took me 1.5 years to get here, to see how I have not let things go and I am still hurting from it. 

Tough pill #5 progress is not linear, but it is still frustrating and demotivating to go back steps. Recently, while working in this now company, I'm being exposed to topics of Buddhism and 修行 (practice but it grossly underrepresent the actual meaning of this word). I remember that I was once practicing all the enlightenment I gained, but now it feels like I've fallen into the pit that I once gotten out of. I guess it's good to know that I still know those wisdom, it's just the practice that is hard. So much fear that I'm carrying around. 

I'm glad that I am now willing to look at them now, at least. I hate that I'm still affected by things that had happened from the place that I want to get away so badly. I just want to pick myself off the floor piece by piece. Last tough pill #6 is that there's no shortcut to healing.