Experience drives growth

From time to time, I get into one of these growing phase like these. Let it be experience of a "relationship/courtship" with someone (yes I was the one doing the courting, I'm awesome I know, Lol) or the passing phase of changing schools or simply the waves of identity crisis I've been going through these recent years. Often these major changes are the one that shaped who I am and breaks the stigma of who I should be and what I want and getting over certain fears.

It was always tough to go through all these, but I embrace it very much. I love feeling myself grow, comes out to be more fearless and excited about the world. Ironically, how ever much I hated changes, I love it when I feel that some experiences did changed me for the better. 

Well, something like that happened quite recently. Something that I thought would last a lifetime didn't. There's a lot of sense of betrayal, confusion, fears, resentment, but what comes along with the experience was also a lot of wonderful things. That there is someone out there that you could just have endless conversation with, and finding out my ability to care and be so acceptance of another person, as well as my own perseverance, feeling ever more prepared for the adult world. 

It was some lesson, that makes you understand yourself and others better. That I finally know how it would be hard to find someone who can communicate with me effortlessly because I am those kind of person who experience the world through feelings. Looking at the things that makes me frustrated and annoyed is merely a reflection of what I fear and how I'm holding myself back. 

Sometimes I wonder if I had the tendency for mental illness or instability because I just have so much emotions and I'm so turbulent sometimes. Then I realize, oh, it's actually just part of the package of my personality, because I'm the feeling person. As much as I will life happily, passionately, curiously, I will experience the same sorrow, disappointment, frustration. And you know what? I'm actually thankful for it. That because of it, I am constantly learning more and processing much more than others of my same age would have. And it would give me the ability to empathize so many people and perhaps one day I would be able to support my child to grow the way I did and be brave to thrive for their dreams. It gives me so much joy to be able to connect with people emotionally and just be a company with them. 

But I do know myself well enough, that I need to go through all these transformation myself. Nobody can actually help me with the pain and tell me what I need. I have to do the digging myself. 

The time has come for the same liberation this time. It's the season for the seed to germinate once more. 

Okay, I've gotten way too abstract again. So... Where was I again? Oh right. So this particular experience had gave myself so much insight about myself. Along the way I had adopted several habits that are simply mistranslated. These habits are the one that caused much of the suffering. While some are fears that I learn from people around me. 

I've been talking to Nicole just now (old character, my old readers should know who she is, but since it's been so long, read post script for info), and she sorta psycho me a little since she did studied psychology. So I was telling her about everything that happened. Through out the conversation, she comes out with this line "since you are so EAGER to be in a relationship". Hahaha, seriously XD why does everyone think that I am either desperate to have a boyfriend or get married? HAHAHA! 

Okay guy, just to be clear, I am not desperate. T.T That is just one of my dream, to eventually be a good mom and have a happy marriage. It's not like I would go for anyone, I do have quite a high standard for my partner. 

Okay, back to Nicole. So that simple sentence sorta sparked a realization inside. Then she said, "you have to find out why you want to be in a relationship so much" (once again, I'm not). The answer sorta just came to me there and then. 

"I'm not EAGER for a relationship, I'm just afraid of missing the right one". Of course, like everyone else, she thought that I was cute *pout* (*flips* why does everyone find it "cute" to believe in love? T.T). And like everyone else, she told me there are so many guys out there, why would I even worry? Well, I won't know all of them right? Among the ones that I know, how many of them will have the qualities and the chemistry that I'm looking for? And among all of those that I do like, how many of them will eventually like me back? 

Hahahaha, okay XD I know, I'm going back to the same thing. Okay, see, the thing is that it's not really as easy as it seems, or else there won't be so many people who can't find the right one. And for my family, relationships are hard to come by. We were never the kind that were open to dates and exploring our options kind. I've seen so many people went on years and years never meeting anyone who would spark an interest with them. I'm just the kind of person who wants to share my passion, my discovery, my affection, and the idea of missing one another and risk taking so long to meet another one is pretty darn scary to me. 

But I know, I know. Through this experience, I had held on so hard because of this fear had gotten me nowhere and in the end my fear of losing this person were realized anyway. And not like when everything was okay I wasn't afraid. I was still afraid. Holding on to the fear obviously isn't the answer. 

Because of this fear, I had neglect looking at all the amazing pieces of the world. The company of friends, the simple beauty in having a deep conversation, the trust between two person to show them your vulnerability, the bliss of looking into another soul, the peace in being with the nature, the excitement of experiencing someone else's culture. There are so much out there that I kept myself from. Perhaps this is the greatest gift in disguise, to show me the truth about so much possibilities.

This time I will tell myself, it's okay, everything will just work out the way it should. Life can't be plan, whatever that comes in my way I will take it simply as a blessing. I may not be clear of myself and the things that I want, but I never going to let myself lose this passion for life, and this time, I will spend time loving myself.

P.S.: As promised, Nicole was my best friend in form 2 to 5 and we sorta lost touch after that and apparently we still have it in us! #friendshipgoals #justkidding