As cliché as it sounds, the only constant in life is change

When I was growing up, I somehow always have this desperate need to "mature". I want to sound like the most mature one among my friends. I want to be praised by people older than me that I am mature. Fast forward to now, I realized that there are few levels to my maturity. 

Level 1: I stop calling myself mature. I (still) feel secondhand embarrassment when I see teenagers calling their romanticized behaviors as mature. Its the beginning of gaining insight that I still have more to understand about the world and myself. Also, starting to understand that decisions today have an effect on others and future me (aka consequence).

Level 2: Understand that vulnerability ain't easy and that can be empowering. I realized the importance of reaching out and communicating. Acting tough and dramatic isn't helping the situation and nor do you want to live like this. But at the same time, along myself to feel bitter about people who weren't kind to me felt empowering too. 

Level 3: Practicality takes precedence. I started managing money and living on my own by now. (Shameful that I still go back home every weekend) Picked cheap vegetables and walk more to save fuel. Realizing why mom insist that dishes needs to be washed immediately after meal (ants, learn that the hard way) or why do we need to change the bedsheet every month. My goal became succeeding in adulting. How to sustain myself practically and still do what I want to do. And oh, suddenly realizing the impact of networking, though I still hate it.

Level 4: Going back to immaturity. Being adult and matured isn't fun and it made me feel so mentally strained. The world feels scary when you are afraid of making the smallest mistakes (as you should). I went to therapy and learned to breakdown what is actually important and my principles; and discard social expectations so we can live more like ourselves. I stop apologizing for I am humanly flawed, instead I inform people about it so that we can work on it.

Level 5: Embracing that things will always change. Even if you are in a happy place, it will feel uncomfortable to be happy all the time. I realize things aren't how I imagined it, or it simply changed as the years go by. Even if it's a lifelong dream of yours that you still want to make it through. By holding my dreams too hard, it became part of my self esteem. When people question it, it felt super personal and you get too scared to do anything about it. So, the key is to always shuffle your steps. The less you try to fight it, the easier it is. 

I think for the past 2-3 years has been the most volatile years of my life so far. I'm always winging it, there's no one who can tell me what is the right thing to do because things are always changing. I quitted my first job because I was having mental breakdowns, second guessing myself so much that it took me my second job to realized that I am actually so much more capable than I thought of myself. I don't beat myself up anymore for being ambitious and actually taking steps (though not always successful) to explore what else can it be for me. I quitted my second job thinking that I want to start my own F&B business, but soon realized that I wasn't ready. Now that I realized what I need, I'm going back into the work force to get more capital. I still wish to practice dog training on the side and one day hope to have my own center. Of course I feel a lot of shame for making U-turns on my plans that I've so proudly told people about, but hey, I'm the one walking the path so I should be my own ruler. The weirdest bit is that now I feel that perhaps what I want to be is a business person. The business part is practical, but it's the freedom to play and experiment with ideas and run things according to my principles, to build and nurture a team, to play my part in creating a change in the industry in terms of power and wage fairness. I've always felt most fulfilled and my best self when I can play, manage projects and supporting my own team, and perhaps that's what I will do. And who knows, the only constant in life is change. 

Let me know if you resonate with me!