Thank you 2021, Hello 2022

As we spent most of our time in seemingly less than pleasant ways, (read: political turmoil, pandemic that was stretched needlessly much longer due to half-assed lockdown and leaders who demonstrated no leadership, hopelessness from the pandemic and the above situations, burnout, anxiety, flooding) there are plenty of things that were the gold standards of silver lining. The future seems pitch black, yet the Kita Jaga Kita movement really restored my faith in my fellow Malaysians. I felt ashamed that I didn't join in and play my part, I wish to do more in the coming years. Though the media is still giving coverage to things and people that definite should not deserve any more attention, it's nice to see wholesome news about selfless Malaysians out there. There are plenty of bad in 2021, but let's take a moment to look through the good. 

1. My personal blessing: Working from Home

I count my blessings to being able to land 2 jobs this year, despite the pandemic. Work environment still very much triggers me, so having the privilege to work from home was really comforting to my healing. I'm also really privileged to being able to quit my job that isn't working for me, despite being in a pandemic or not, but especially during a pandemic. Unfortunately, WFH is not on the menu and on most days I really do hope that I still could. Change is difficult, even as the pandemic pushes for remote working to be possible, bosses still prefer to be able to physically see their staff there for 8 hours because they would feel like we are doing what we are paid for. Padahal sama je, there's still nothing to do and wasting time pretending to be busy.

2. Personal growth

Since I quitted last year, I spent a lot of time in therapy trying to make sense of everything again. I took a lot of time for myself and found much joy in listening to Dharma talks and yoga. I've also picked up a few hobby that I've always wanted to be good in. I'm still slowly working on my bird painting, but the latest bird I painted on was so good that I'm impressed myself. My cousin also gave me a few plants when he moved to his new place, most are doing great. I cooked quite a few dishes when I was exploring my F&B venture, a few actually came out pretty good. All these things really taught me to take joy in the process, watch and listen to the present. My terrarium was getting sick and dying, it taught me to really pay attention to maintenance of things too, or else it will get sick. I took a few days to paint just that one kingfisher and I'm feeling so much of joy painting it's feather stroke by stroke. I love imagining how the light bounces or got blocked on each feather, complimenting it's shape. Less than proud of how little time I spent on dog training, but I have to cut some slack for myself because it is something really big for me. All and all, I miss doing all these things that I was able to do when I have time. So I'm really trying to find what I can do career-ly that can enable me to have more free time to do things like these. 

3. Setting Boundaries

If I had to say what is the most important thing I've learnt this year is definitely how to set boundaries. In this, I would say that my trauma was perhaps a blessing in disguise. I went to the job interview for the mentor teacher job with lots in my mind, things that I need and will not tolerate in order to work. That interview was also with someone who purposely bully people, it was totally flooding and retraumatizing for me. But I was glad of all my work in therapy, it enabled me to stop and really think what is the answer FOR ME, not for the interviewers, despite the trigger basically lighting up all my warning lights. It was the utter most important things that I could do for myself. On hindsight, I think that experience gave me confidence to set boundaries for myself. Of course I still went into the job feeling very edged and defensive, but because I was insistent of my own thought and gut feeling, I do feel that my boss actually listen and value my views. I see how being firm that telling people that what I want and what I don't want does work. I'm still learning to relearn what are threats and what's not, and working on things that triggers me, but I am grateful for where I've gotten myself to. 

4. Financial 

Alhamdullilah nothing bad is happening. I'm blessed to be financially pretty secured with all of these pandemic stuff and floods. I've always been quite risk averse, so it's always about creating thick enough safety net. After quitting my first job that often left me feeling so deprived financially, I was desperate to start my own business or earn some big bucks so that I can finally stop working with people who doesn't understand me and work on things that makes me feel fulfilling. But having the wrong intention makes the whole thing so mentally torturous, it drains me so much that I couldn't bring myself to do any work. Learning to give up what doesn't work, as well as rushing for a financial growth that I am not ready for the work doesn't work too. Well, it was fun while I dabbled a little into crypto investment. I guess I have to make do with the idea that I will continue to be working a few years more. 

5. Relationship

It's great. It's really fulfilling to find someone who is committed to unlearn codependency and really actively work with you to figure out relationship and life. Only complain about relationship is that it takes so much time and money, but I wouldn't feel like taking shortcuts would give me the same fulfilment. I truly believe that some people are made to suit being single more, and for me I feel that being in a relationship often gives me more satisfaction in life. 

6. Work

Oh where do I begin? It's been a struggle. I know it has much to do with my personal experience. After working with a company that exploits staff's trust and gaslights people in order to avoid responsibility and the need to change themselves, I become really intolerant to red flags early on where people who have power seems to be excused from responsibilities and have more absolute power. Not to mention, after the whole ordeal with my ex company, I have little energy and stamina, so I really put work life balance as my top 3 priority. It's hard when there's so many things that are super triggering to me. I can't seem to feel happy anywhere, nor I have the capability or capacity to start my own business. I have a full time job now that is really free, but it feels like I'm in a limbo because my HOD have no idea how to do the job and how to lead a team, it feels as though I have no HOD at all, no direction at all. He doesn't seem to know what a trainer's real job is and is obsess with getting praise and attention than to give value. I feel really unfulfilled, I've totally lost of any idea what's the purpose of my job or where I'm heading. For the first time in my life, I have no idea at all what I want to do, where I want to go. Now I just feel like I'm so incompetent and picky with nothing to offer. Guess stressing myself wouldn't help me get through this block too, so let's just see what 2022 brings. 

7. What's the meaning of life?

A question that I never questioned, but still come to the conclusion that there's no meaning of life, so just do what you want to do. The meaning of life is just to live. I am precisely where I need to be and I will be where I precisely need to be. I wish for the coming 2022 I could once again find that glimpse to light in this pitch dark place that we are in. Meanwhile I want to continue to do what feels like the right thing to do.