Speaking my truth: coping mechanism after a traumatic workplace

It's been more than a year since I have left the workplace that I felt was toxic for me. In between, I had made so much effort to make sense of what that experience was for me. I had so many draft trying to justify and explain my experience. 

On hindsight, there is no right way to speak about what was in fact a traumatic experience for me. To me, it was the place and culture that was toxic; to some, I might be the toxic one and I overreacted. Just like any abusive relationship, people stayed because of the good times, and downplay the bad times. Some will fault you for the trauma that was done upon you, attributing it to the way that you reacted or how you might have provoked the situation. 

I believed it still that somehow I must deserve it, I must be at fault. Because it's ambiguous, it wasn't all bad and never downright seems wrong, they always have a justification that sounds so right. They have done said all the right thing. I felt at home at first too, I was supported and learned what it means to be a good trainer. I made great friends. I had fun parties with them. I was able to excel at what I do and I was allowed to be myself. But "I was allowed to be myself" has fine print. I was allowed to be myself as long as I am all positive. "We are family" but when things happen, it's the seniors who get all the say while you weren't even given a chance defend your case. "We care about you" so much that they made a whole meeting calling out what you do wrong and use your mistakes as a public warning to the whole office not to do it without first talking to you personally to find out what happened. "We treat everyone fairly" but you have to earn your stripe with me before you are allowed to talk to me. "We want you to speak up" but not too much and against your seniors, that is too defensive and don't say it's our problem. "We talk out our problems", and by we, I mean me, you listen to me. "We will give you time to grow" but make sure you do it quickly and while you learn I am going to continue to berate you about how great I am and how you are not. They are so nice and say all the right things, you think ill of people when they are saying all the nice things, it must be you right? Their constant gaslighting infiltrated the vulnerable trusting young adult that I was when all I wanted was to be under someone's wing. It made me constantly second guess my experience and judgment, it made me feel like I am such a horrible person to not appreciate all their sacrifices. I didn't know how deep this influence is until I realized I still have so much shame and still am second guessing my experience. I still am trying hard to justify my experience.

As time goes by, the fracture only seems more apparent. The problem was obvious, yet they mange everything around it but the problem. The family culture that they preach, the leadership that they twisted and the abuse that they had allowed resulted all of these. The seniors that were left there were what I see as survivors by Stockholm syndrome. They fully accepted and justified the traumatic upbringing of the founder's training method, saying that that's how they got tough. They know it traumatises them, they still are afraid to go into meeting with the boss where they know they will be shot down without dignity. They quote the same words as the bosses, not seeing how incongruent the rules are for people are in power. I couldn't bring myself to agree to the traumatic methods and double standard values, and I certainly don't want to be one of the Stockholm syndrome seniors. I fought back, with little grace. It wouldn't go through proper channel, so I complained and scrutinize everything with colleagues that I can talk to. Still, my self esteem has been worn to the ground, constantly feeling like a horrible person that can't trust myself. I cried every day in the toilet. The incongruence in me grows every day.  

I was incredible unhappy. I couldn't trust anyone, and I couldn't trust myself. I tried to compensate it from getting validation from guys that I date. I went for therapy, it took so much for me to trust myself again. People of the same rank starts to see what I see and we would just be talking behind their back knowing that nothing is going to change. It's the only safe space to vent, little did I know it wasn't that safe after all. When I finally got enough strength, I left without much plan for myself. When I left, pretty much nobody bats an eye. I dealt with the aftermath months after I left the place, constantly going to therapy. Finally with my new found freedom, I can finally go to a good place, right? Truthfully I was seeing shadows everywhere. I was so afraid of being exploited again, I was defensive everywhere I go. I learnt to set boundaries, which was a good thing. I set my boundaries really strict in my next job, not taking any bullshit from anyone. I was constantly judging people in my head, evaluating how they should go to therapy instead of projecting and hurting people around like my ex boss, or they should go to therapy and learn to stand up for themselves or else they would end up like me. I was unhappy too because I can't see anyone as friend. I had to constantly remind myself that not everyone is out to get me. 

It took me a long time just to realize that I am being really scared of the world, of people. I know it's a pattern when I moved on to the 2nd job after the traumatic workplace. After seeing toxic leadership, I really wanted to build my own business just to show how things should be done, but I struggle so bad because every failure, every rejection feel personal now. I felt so financially deprived from my first job, that I felt so much need to catch up and be on par with all my peers who are already looking to purchase a house. I wanted things to just work out and prove that I was right about everything. So many ideal and dreams that I forge just to cope with the emotions from this trauma, traumas that I am still dealing with. It's a battle I can't win. I am afraid of everything I want. My capacity to deal with denials and rejections reduced significantly, sometimes I would dissociate and shut down whenever I am not seen. Isolation was once a weapon used against me, and now it's my fortress of comfort.

Admittedly I wasn't the most fun to hang around with back then. I had my issues with relationships and I felt absolutely lonely with nothing in my life. I was projecting my need to be seen and heard a lot. I don't blame anyone for not seeing that, but I just wish that they had been patient with me than to isolate me. Being isolated makes me feel like an alien. One of the girl that were in the group decided to outright cut me off because she told another friend that I was too negative and she can't deal with that negativity because she is still working there. Recently the same friend said that it was because she was dealing with a lot so she withdraw from people from work, yet somehow that isolation was just with me. Then again, with that phrasing, no one is ever going to validate the hurt on my end to be the only one isolated. To everyone, she's just a wonderful person who had to do this for her mental health, while I'm this negativity that needs removing. Somehow my attempt for my mental health is justifiably bad, while her attempt for her mental health is justifiably good. It still hurts because I continue to live with all these combined trauma, and hearing that I was the one spitting out toxicity is the reason I still feel a lot of shame to what happened. It hurts me knowing that no one will never think that what she did caused some trauma to me and she is still living her best life while I am stuck here with my trauma that I need to continue to unpack. Deep down, I believe that myself it was all my fault too and I'm an alien that deserved to be isolated. To an alien, isolation is comfort, isolation is safety. My form 6 and this experience changed my personality from an extrovert to an introvert now. 

Cognitively it wasn't any better too. There's a constant brain fog. Things that used to be so easy for me now feels like such a complicate thing. Working out something that has more than 2 layers to extrapolate from sends me into such distress. I get tired and sleepy really easily now. So I don't try to push myself more too. This strips away my self esteem too, that now I feel like I'm stupid, that I no longer can be better than everyone else. That gives another layer of fear to me that I need to deal with too. It's hard for me to feel any interest in most things now. I've lost my passion for training and many other hobbies. It becomes that there's always more to lose than to gain. I feel small and yet my pride tells me that I'm supposed to be doing so much more. It's a constant cycle of not being able to think and feeling guilty that I can't think. Until it becomes so stress that my body shuts down. 

I've always suspected all these are my trauma response, until my friend said that she also felt some of the things I felt, like feeling everyone has bad intention and needing to psych herself out of the feeling that people are out to get her. Another friend continues to get bullied in the new workplace that makes me feel like I need to rescue her from her situation. But I can't even take care of my self. I hate losing my years trying to heal from the trauma that my first job gave me, sometimes I feel like just giving up and hide in my comforting isolation forever. Some days it feels like there's no reason to not give up. Unfortunately today is one of those days.