Stable Life

Everything in life starts to feel like it's falling into place. I've been adulting a lot and seem to get a pretty good hang of things lately. I'm emotionally relatively stable and generally happy with life and myself. Drama is of course always happening at work/the world, but somehow mentally being in a good place dampens it all that I fully have the grace to just not be overly bothered by things. I've been trying to instill same good habits into my life like working out, fixing my posture, planning to read, meditate etc.. Can't say that it's going smoothly. It is still a struggle because I have been struggling for years. But I'm grateful to have friends to do my workouts with and also acting as accountability partner. I've also started counselling hoping to be able to work on this. Over the years, I've picked up so many conditioning, one that still very much have a death grip on me which is learnt helplessness. Because at the point you learn that there's no point fighting back, you gave up on all the reasons that could motivate you to fight. Once you've learnt that you can in fact still live without *insert subject*, you no longer believe that strongly about your original motivation.

But what you feed, will grow. I'm trying to actively feed my motivation whether it's curiosity or play, or fixing insecurity, or self actualization; I'll try to hold on to it, spend time day dreaming about the vision of my ideal self. It's easy to fall back into the pattern of just giving it up, because effort is tiring. But I feel tired regardless, so why not at least try to be tired but satisfied? But today, I'm feeling less of that. I did a lot of adulting during the day. I woke up early for counselling with a new counsellor, ate yogurt for breakfast and made myself tea for the session. I did my laundry, did some journaling. Then I went to the hospital and made appointment for my ear issue, dropped by pharmacy to buy medication for myself. Fed and walk my dog as usual, also updated Dr Ku on Ben Ben's allergy progress. It's only when I felt stuck because I really wanted to make a post here but I couldn't quiet my brain enough to know what I wanted to write about, then my mind went into freezing again. 

Granted, I should know by now that writing is a lot to do with inspiration, but also if I wasn't hung up on it, I wouldn't be having these stream of very wonderful and reflective thoughts to see the good in my own progress. But yes, it takes to be in the middle of the night for my brain to finally feel quiet enough to think, that's why I like midnights. So finally now it feels like this pending work (of blogging) has been cleared from my queue, my brain's sad little capacity of RAM can finally continue it's queue of task to do. But I do feel disappointed in myself that I've missed another day of workout, not looking at my habit tracker for days already and feeling that I'm still falling short of who I ideally am. Oh well, try again another day then, no point crying over spilled milk.

It's been an eventful month. I've followed my clinic team to Suzhou, China for WSAVA Conference in the beginning of the month. It was nice to feel smart and learning again. I've learnt that I truly am a nerd because I love learning in a classroom setting. Some talks were good. Some I struggle to follow because I wasn't familiar with the terms. Some were unfortunately too general even to a non Vet (not even a vet tech) person like I am. However I was happy to hear from a behaviourist specialist pretty much validated everything that I've learnt in my force free dog training. There was a rather technical talk on using stent for treachal collapse, but the findings were so interesting and conclusive that even I fully understood the entire presentation. There was another Singaporean dermatologist giving talk on allergy. It was comforting to hear that Singaporean accent after needing to speak proper Chinese for 4 days by then, and basically confirmed that Ben Ben is definitely suffering from allergy problem (just still don't know what cause it). The food was nice, I was too socially awkward to go for any booth free gift other than Hill's because they have such a pretty bag and everyone was obsessively trying to get it. I waited 1 hour earlier for it. Apart from that, I've gotten myself perfumes and I love it so much because all these little luxury that I do for myself feels so fulfilling. We visited the old canals and visited ancient rich people houses with amazing architecture design that is still impressive to this day. We had crab roe noodle, it tasted fine but I'm pretty sure the cholesterol in that meal is probably my yearly quota. Then after the conference ended, I followed my boss to attend a meeting with some china municipal representative to lobby some changes, spareheaded by this American born Chinese who is a lawyer, in a very fancy meeting room up in the shanghai tower. It was the fanciest shit I've ever joined. Then we went to Shanghai Disneyland for the entire day and rush to fly back that midnight. Disneyland was nice, but I really wouldn't stay till 9pm for the fireworks if I had the chance to go again. I actually enjoyed going to China more than I thought I'd be.

For the first week that I was back from China, I almost forgot that we do have another mini project running at the end of this month. I'm starting to get more and more of a hang of things. Of course there's some underlying problems going on but it's all things that I can't solve, all I can do is to do as much learning as fast as I can so that I can support when things needed me to. I'm going to Gopeng next week for this project. Meanwhile, everyday I'm just trying to do my best to live in a way that I am proud of myself. It's hard work, but it's honest work. So until next time, that's all the update I have for now. Thanks for listening to me Yap about everything. I'm finally be able to go to bed peacefully now. I hope you have a good rest and a happy life too.