Dissonance in my soul - of many reasons why I felt like I never be able to fit in

There's a great sense of dissonance, disturbance of not being understood within me that frustrates me - from a conversation with my group of colleagues about the concept of "principles" that were largely misunderstood or oversimplified. I often felt alone with all these feelings because in general social settings, everyone tend to be able to "read" and naturally come to the consensus of a general depth any conversations can go wherelse it often makes me so uncomfortable to not pick out the nuances of topics and going in depth with conversations. It frustrates me how everyone are not bothered by how much untruth or contradiction is in shallow conversations. It frustrates me that no one ever catches that it's comfortable for them but not for me. I'm also upset at myself because the feeling that something is off and being able to link what exactly made me feel this way to how I feel often has a large delay gap that made it impossible for me to speak what is true to me without looking like a petty bitch that is picking fight that no one else has problem with. I hate being in this position, but it's also many things that I do not like to keep to myself, to need to always tell myself that it's okay as long as I can be true to myself. Because this kind of feelings are as frustrating as a betrayal to others, but I probably have them every large setting or with people who are in different places than I am mentally. It's difficult, so much that it's one of the many reasons I have closed myself off to many opportunities, not wanting to join new work place, not wanting to go social events, silencing myself and pent up my feelings. I don't want that kind of life anymore - so I will speak my truth even if it puts me at risk of being a petty, overzealous bitch (well, here because I'm still a cowards - but also this is where I get to speak my whole mind without needing to stop for others to speak too)

We were talking about bad colleagues that were abusive and toxic, the things that they do and basically bitching about them. One of the younger colleague were telling everyone to tell her if she ever ends up like "that colleague", while others say it that you can't wait for others to tell you, you have to be attentive yourself. I bring up that you gotta have some principles in life to keep yourself in line, from straying and doing unkind things. She didn't understand what it means, and she started going round the table. Two of the colleague answered their principles of life is just to be happy. I was so frustrated but during that time I didn't had a chance to really explain why, nor did it seem like anyone wanted to go into it. 

Being happy isn't a principle. There's no law of nature behind being happy that can guide you. We all want to be happy - and many will do things that makes them happy by being destructive. Principles are laws of nature, that it will bring you results that may lead you to happiness or at least peace. My goal is happiness and peace, and I guide myself there by following principles that I can live with knowing that I did my best and I do my best to be a good person. Such as being honest, being helpful, doing no harm, being responsible, being fair, being transparent, being a good friend, be willing to do the work, having empathy. These are principles, some may call it moral, but it's far more than that. 

Say that a mistake happened at work - some react to the situation by bullying and shaming others for making mistakes and they are happy because they think they are educating people. That's exactly the situation with many of the "bad colleagues" that we talked about. I don't think there's any problem with wanting to educate people, I believe that education should happen. But I believe that everyone are equal human beings, that can think, reflect and feel for themselves. Just as I've made mistakes, I know by result that I've fucked up. Unless you have something actually helpful that I can use next time, don't say anything that is unkind. What's the point of screaming and bullying people if the mistake is already made? Be helpful, rectify the problem. Be fair, discuss the issue not the human. Do no harm, you can either build this person by being supportive or be another hurdle that this person need to overcome other than the problem itself. In the long run, people know you to be someone who is kind and has integrity even with times are hard, people will be willing to tell you if things are wrong knowing that the kind of person you are. It's never about just doing what feels good at that time, it's knowing what's the right thing to do, even if it hurts you at times. I believe in honesty, at many times people said that I shouldn't have tell the truth, but I believe that it hurts more to not know the truth in the long run than to know the truth and being able to work it through now. If someone will blame me for telling them a painful truth, then it's not my fault the person take it personally because it's also my principle to not go after someone for something that is personal. It's never told to hurt someone, but to help someone. 

Be a person everyone can trust. There's far too many people living without any principles, and when you're in a place of power, money or status, nothing keep you in line if you have no principles to govern your own mind.