Farewell, old friend

You see. I'm a sensitive person, I'm sensitive to words, gestures, that people consciously or unconsciously sends out to me. It grants me the ability to be gentle with other sensitive people, but at the same time, I'm hurt easily, especially when my self esteem is down. 

Hurt doesn't always heal fast, nor is it easy trying to justify these hurts. See, I'm not bounded by these past hurts, but they still makes me cringe. In my form 6, I wouldn't say I was in a particularly sensitive nor was it a particularly kind environment. At least to a low self esteem, inferior me, it isn't. Glance were judge-y, subtle exclusion, superior wordings, with a warm, cheerful tone of voice. It confuses me, yet I want to fit in. In my lowest point with constant anxiety, outburst in tears, stress, lack of confidence, there was no one in that environment that could understand and took my condition seriously. Some, that I tried to reach out to, accidentally hurt me by their effort to understand. They could not understand at that point, I need validation of my feelings desperately, I could not took anymore challenge. If I didn't knew better, I might have done something drastic back at that point of life. 

Nobody could understand that hurt I felt, I don't think they even do now. They would see this as another desperate, pathetic attempt to seek attention, pity. That isolation is still there. And I still feel inferior to them. I know the reason to that feeling, therefore I won't feed onto that.

They seen me at my worst and excluded me. Yes, nobody is obligated to help you, but you know what? I won't buy into a world that kindness is worthless. I'll choose to be sensitive, if that makes me make this world a better place to live in for the helpless. For that exclusion, they never get to see me at my better times, where I no longer need their validation because I have it to myself. That I will fight for the course that I believe in. I still feel hurt over what happened, but still I want to be friends with them because I understand that they don't understand what was going on with me. However, perhaps, this seclusion of a superior, cool group is just a step that's too far-reached for me, then by all means, I have no interest in being apart of this superior group. 

I've surround myself in an environment of kind, helpful, supportive people, that might not always understand, but they don't act like they know better. There's no superiority or inferiority, just pure companionship. This is the environment I want to be in. 

This is not a post of bitterness, and anger out of humiliation. Rather just a liberation I choose to give myself. To remind myself that I am on the path to where I want to be. Friends expires, my time with them has gone. Their time together hasn't. I wish them well. I foresee a group of people that will be there for me for my worst, their worst and everyone's best.